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You know I orginal started this blog to start something I have always wanted to do. I wanted to be able to share with the world all the wonderful things I discovered and did, in hopes to inspire others. It was ment to be fun, sey, flirty and soooo much more. However right now, I really just need to express how I feel right now at this moment. Let me first explain the situation...my phone is off...there that's it. That is the situation, and because of it, I have no one to reach out to. I cant call my mommy, or my best friends. NO ONE!!! No one to talk to, just my blog. So here we go. I recently lost my aunt on my fathers side, the first real relative on his side that tried to gain contact with me. It hurt so much to hear that she was gone. I hadn't seen it coming, I didn't get a chance to say bye, or tell her I loved her. If it wasn't for Facebook, I might have not found out. My sister from my father was the one that messaged me to let me know what was going on. We try and communicate on occassions. We didn't grow up with each other, but we kept contact as best we could. When I found out my aunt passed, I wanted so much to be there for my little cousin. I couldn't imagine losing my mommy. I couldn't place myself in her shoes. I just knew I wanted to be there for her. However I did fear what emotions would over come me when I would see my father. I hadn't seen him since my grandfather's (who raised me) funeral when I was in the seveneth grade...I think I was 11 or 12, I'm 23 now. All this time I dealt with feeling unwanted and not fully loved. I hated myself....I thought something was wrong with me, because I knew he had a relationship with my three other siblings, but he never tried to reach out to me. NEVER :( To make a long story short, I battled alot of issues when I was in New York for the funeral. He made a effert to explain why he wasn't in my life...he said because my (strugglin) mother had put him on child support, he wanted to contact..but now that I was on my own (which I had been for 4yrs..and he knew I was) that we could communicate. I cried slightly when he told me that. I never imagined the moment I would see him again, or thought what would he say...what would I say? I was hurt that his excuse for not being apart of my life was because my mother put him on child support. I'm dealing with so many personal issues, because I din't have a father, and the best thing he could say to me was...what had came out his mouth. I dismissed it and allowed for him to be apart of my life, like he said he wanted to with an open heart. Only the Lord knows how much I have always wanted to have a relationship with him....well now we are facebook friends and I just got off his page, I'm in tears and cant stop crying. I cant stop thinking about how much time has gone by. I cant believe that the stranger on Facebook is my father. I'm so hurt! Just trying to work thru the emotions I guess...   :(